Pancakes Taste Like Poverty: And Other Post-Divorce Revelations by Jessica Vivian

Author:Jessica Vivian [Vivian, Jessica]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2015-03-17T23:00:00+00:00

Dear Married Mom Whose Husband is Away on Business A Lot of the Time

You are NOT "practically a single mom."

If there is someone, resentful or not, who you can call or count on when the kids won't go to sleep, or your car is making a funny sound, or you need to kill that spider, or move the couch or hold your hand, you are not like a single mom.

If you can "run to the store"...ever...you are not like a single mom.

If there is someone who created your children with you, who calls you to see how you are doing, even if it's a chore, even if it's an obligation. If that someone who pays attention to you, at all, then you are not like a single mom.

If there is someone who you can bounce parenting ideas off of, right there in real time then you are not like a single mom.

If there is someone listening to you rattle off the details of your mundane selfless day, you are not like a single mom.

Listen, bad marriages are bad. Lonely marriages are lonely. But humans need companionship and despite how lonely and how bad your marriage is, it's not as lonely as being alone.

I remember, during marriage, when the day nearly took the air out of my lungs, and I was near tears and near collapse but I still knew there would be relief eventually because I had a husband.

Now I don't even allow myself the opportunity to feel the pressure because I already know there will be no relief.

There is no one to catch, or soothe, or react to my feelings. My feelings cannot exist.

And trust, the peace of mind and freedom and Self-ness of being single is a succulent luxury compared to the choking, stifling, emptiness of a loveless marriage. I am not minimizing that pain.

But when well-meaning women think they are going to find common ground with me by saying "my husband works offshore/travels on business so I'm practically a single mom" I want to sit them down, pat them on the head and say "no, honey...no."

If you can giggle about how you can't wait until your husband gets home so he can fix your AC/car/garbage disposal then you've already lost me.

My stuff breaks and I just...stand there...and know there is no option but to fix it.

And every time it happens I have a moment when I look around the room waiting for someone to walk in and help but there's no one there.

Yes, I learn, every day how strong and smart and capable I am.

Every time I have to paint a room, or diagnose a funky smell or sound from my crappy minivan, or take the panel off the back of my dryer so I can figure out why the heating element isn't getting hot, or assemble a three piece bedroom set on my own I am reminded how brilliant and strong I am.

But what about when I don't want to have to be?

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